Do You Remember?

Written by Kendall Bergman

Philosopher George Santayana  “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” 

Do you believe this? Or, does this sentiment seem out of touch and unnecessary? I was talking with folks about this a couple of weeks ago. I asked them if they have a practice of remembering. That is, if they have any rituals or ways in which they mark their stories. The responses varied, but a commonality arose around experiences of loss or grief serving as meaningful points of demarcation over the course of a life. The loss of a loved one…the loss of a job…the loss of a relationship…the loss of a dream…the loss of a healthy body…and the inevitable grief that followed.

If you think in terms of a timeline, each person talked about their life before the experience and after the experience. This made sense to me. As I look back on my own life, I often remember what it was like before and after my dad died or before and after my mom died or before and after I broke up with the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. 

All of these experiences are moments in time that mark us. They change us. We get to choose if they change us toward growth and transformation, or if they change us toward regression and stagnation. I often wonder if how we remember informs which path we end up on in similar ways that what we remember does. Do you ever recall painful memories with romanticized nostalgia that tells you the past was so much better, easier and reliable than the present is, or the future could possibly be? Do you remember in a way that colors the past as impossibly painful and feel powerless to overcome? 

Or, do you remember in a way that honors the past for what it actually was? The truth is that what has been is wrapped in narrative, events and experiences that have shaped us, harmed us, saved us and informed us. Do our memories serve as echoes that reflect or imitate the meaning we’ve been given around them…to make sense of what seems indescribably senseless? Or, do those memories seem like a reverberation that ultimately leads to resonance around what we’ve always understood the meaning to be? 

I grew up with 2 older sisters. When we get together we inevitably start telling stories of our childhood. It’s not uncommon for us to each have a slightly different recollection of the exact same events…including the facts and circumstances that make up the story. We may be looking at a picture from when we were kids…and even looking at the exact same picture we remember that moment differently.

This is quite common. My experience of what happened naturally informs how I remember the story. No matter how resonant or dissonant the way I remember the story is to my sister’s, the result is no more or less true or false. Does this resonate with you?

Memory is a really tricky thing. And as I’ve already suggested, my memory is specifically informed by how I process and metabolize the people and the world around me. The things I remember and the way I remember them are part of a sophisticated processing system that is present in every human being. It is impossible for a fully objective and perfectly accurate recollection to occur. 

A regular practice of remembering is nonetheless essential to live more fully and freely in the present that is more intentionally moving toward the future. Telling our stories in the context of relationship and community can greatly assist our efforts toward a more redemptive and integrated way of remembering. 

Those communities who have a practice and ritual of oral storytelling over generations have a leg up on everyone else. Indigenous peoples - from the ancient Israelites to the Native Americans to tribes in Africa - across millenia, provide a model for the rest of us to consider and learn from. These traditions include narratives, legends, anecdotes, proverbs, historical lays and ballads, the succession of chiefs and kings - and so on. These people know how to individually and collectively remember. More notably, they know why they remember. 

Our memories provide a source of scientific mysteries, but also personal ones. Every day, we see and experience things we will forget. What remains, in a way, becomes part of our consciousness. It helps us tell the stories of our lives. And as we tell the stories of our lives, we create space to be present from one moment to the next and nurture hope to undergird our futures. As Santayana stated, when we fail to remember we will inevitably and unavoidably repeat the same unhealthy patterns of the past.

Are you ready to start remembering well and unlock the possibilities and hope for your future? Reach out to me at kendall@thediscoverywell.com to schedule a free discovery session and learn more.

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The Grueling Reality of Hope