The Holidays

Written by Kendall Bergman

I am under no illusion that everyone looks forward to and enjoys the holiday season. I know that November through January can be fraught…loaded with pain, loss, unmet desire and hurt. In western culture we tend to spend a lot of emotion, energy and anticipation on this time of year. By the time Halloween rolls around many folks experience an increasing dread rise from within. Feelings spill out sideways and our bodies become tense and exhausted. If this is you…please keep reading. I think you might find some encouragement. 

Growing up, my mom wanted the holidays to be fun…marked with lots of family, delicious food and loads of laughter. Mom and her sisters received this love for the holidays as an inheritance from their mother. My grandmother (“Granny”) passed away before I was born, but the stories I heard from my mom, aunts and cousins told of a woman who brought joy wherever she went. I miss not having known her.

Granny’s mom died on Christmas Eve when Granny was only 14 years old. Granny’s family and my granddad’s family were neighbors around the turn of the century (1800’s to 1900’s) in a small town about 50 miles north of Dallas. As the story goes, that December 24 the year my great grandmother died, Granddad had heard the news. He saw Granny sitting under a tree looking off into the distance. Something in his heart changed as he watched her. They married a few years later.

From that time on, Granny went all out for Christmas…maybe as a way to move through her grief or possibly as an open and powerful refusal to relinquish her joy. Legend has it, these celebrations lasted a couple of days with aunts, uncles, and cousins all over the place. I could go on and on about my parents and grandparents…my sisters, aunts and cousins…my incredible nieces and nephews and their children. That’s a blog for another time.

My mom successfully infected my sisters and I with her delight for the holidays. Every year, she meticulously decorated our family home for Christmas. From the inside to the outside…from the top to the bottom, there were lights, garland, wreaths, ornaments, and stockings. The tree was always a sight to behold. Then there was the fudge…the pies…the London broil…the mashed potatoes….the sweet potatoes. Oh gosh…my mouth just started watering.

As a family we would watch Christmas movies and play games. Immediate and extended family members would come and go. Growing up I took it all for granted. I didn’t know there was any other way…that others didn’t experience this kind of fun.

Now I’m grown up…have a home of my own and traditions to create. I was so cheered after I finished decorating this year…the tree was beautiful and twinkly…my Santa’s were happy to be on display…the poinsettias were gorgeous. I baked and cooked and shared meals with friends and family. I remembered the year that was ending and began dreaming about the year to come. I celebrated the birth of Jesus with my sisters and brother-in-law. And boy oh boy did I miss my mom and dad. I don’t care how many years pass or how old I am, I miss them a bit more as time goes by. 

I want to clarify something. My childhood was not perfect. It was loaded with dysfunction, misunderstanding, anger, confusion and hurt. It was simultaneously loaded with love and joy. I am grateful that at this stage in my life I am able to more freely embrace this mixed bag of experiences, memories and feelings with ease. 

Life is never all one thing or another. It’s a dance between light and dark…grace and shame…joy and sorrow…healing and hurting. 

If you’d like to integrate your own mixed bag of stories…your own light and dark…I would be honored to speak with you…walk alongside you as you unpack the beauty and the pain. Reach out to me (kendall@thediscoverywell.com) today to schedule a free discovery session!

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Shifting Seasons

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The Gift of Anxiety