Where Do You Belong?

Written by Kendall Bergman

The first 5 or 6 years of my life, I was unstoppable. I was happy, confident, creative and satisfied. I knew I was loved and felt free to love in return. I was grounded in the fact that I belonged. 

And then something happened. Around 1st or 2nd grade, I started paying attention to the world around me in a more critical way and began to believe that I was somehow wrong. I wasn’t petite or demure. I wasn’t quiet or shy. I was thick and loud. Confidence and a sense of self was rapidly replaced with insecurity and always comparing myself to the other girls around me.

I spent years feeling and believing that I was invisible, forgettable and insignificant. I was desperate be seen for all the right reasons…the best reasons…for being the right kind of attractive and appropriate. My mom put me on the Scarsdale Diet when I was 12 and then shortly after started sending me to Weight Watchers and Diet Center. This pattern continued well into my 20’s. To this day if anyone mentions a diet or meal plan, I internally cringe.

During my teens and early adulthood, I struggled to belong…within my family, with friends, with God, and even within my own body. I didn’t know where I fit and was convinced the only I was going to fit anywhere…with anyone…required some intrinsic change. A replacement of what was wrong with me in exchange for what was better, more acceptable and approved of. 

I then began the search for what that might be. I ended up coping in some unhealthy ways, including an eating disorder, enmeshed and squishy relationships, and pushing down any desire that might creep its way to the surface. I didn’t really know who I was, why I was, or what impact I might possibly make in the world.

We live in a broken place…a world that can be difficult and mean. You see, culture lies to us and wants us to believe we are less and worse than what is standard and worthy. The world wants us to keep our thoughts to ourselves and stay in darkened places. Sadness and depression are on the rise. People are desperate to fit in…we are even more desperate to belong. The longer we remain silent and in the dark, the more desperate we become. 

You see, fitting in doesn’t require that a person have a strong sense of self…fitting in encourages enmeshed and squishy relationships…fitting in sometimes looks like belonging, but it’s a facsimile…a poor substitute for belonging. Fitting in perpetuates an invisibility preventing us from showing up as our truest selves.

Belonging requires increased awareness of self and others. Belonging nourishes a sense of familiarity. To belong is to know and be known. When we belong, we are seen for who we truly are and loved wholeheartedly. 

In recent years, I have realized that the relationship in which I am most freely, fully and wholeheartedly accepted and loved as I am is with my Creator. The God of the universe searches for me…comes after me…doesn’t keep a record of my wrongs…and won’t allow anything to separate me from his love. What do you think about that? How does your heart respond? Are you repelled…or attracted…or a little of both? 

Being loved for who I am by the One who created me…who created everything and everyone around me…who has always been and will never not be…is beyond my full understanding, but a complete comfort and gift. In the presence of God…this is where I know I belong. Even when I don’t or can’t feel it, I still know it’s true.

Being grounded in belonging to God opens my heart and soul to belong to trusted loved one…friends and family who love and accept me no matter what. No matter if I’m happy or sad, angry or at peace…those people who welcome me into their hearts, call me to be the best version of myself, encourage me to pursue excellence, celebrate failure, practice vulnerability and increase curiosity…I belong to them and they belong to me. 

Can you see how belonging far outweighs fitting in? Does it make sense to you that belonging is the higher, more authentic and better endeavor? 

I can honestly say that I would trade fitting in any day for the opportunity to belong. It’s more costly and requires greater courage, but it’s the more fulfilling way. If you are ready to know you belong…to be certain that you belong right here…exactly where you are…you don’t have to go it alone. In fact, you shouldn’t go it alone. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Simply share what’s on your heart and mind. Let them know what you are longing for.

You can also reach out to me. I’d be honored to speak with you! Feel free to schedule a free discovery session by emailing kendall@thediscoverywell.com or click here.