Who’s Driving Your Bus?
Written by Kendall Bergman
In 2015 Pixar released the animated film Inside Out and I remember there was a lot of buzz around the film. It was well-liked by my friends and their children, grossed almost $860 million dollars worldwide and finished its theatrical run as the 7th highest grossing film in 2015. I didn’t watch it until a year or so later when it was available to stream and I agreed with my friends, their kids and the box office. I loved it!
If you haven’t seen the movie I should probably let you know there are some spoilers in this post…so continue at your own risk.
The movie follows a pre-teen, Riley, as her family moves from the midwest to San Francisco and her happy care-free existence is upended. We are shown her internal world…the emotions living inside her…cleverly depicted as personified parts. Joy is determined to drive Riley’s bus all the way to an equally happy and satisfying life in San Francisco at the expense of Riley being given space and time to grieve and process this major transition.
In an attempt to avoid feeling bad, Riley (via Joy) inadvertently relegates Sadness to the back of the bus…and basically tells Sadness to sit down and be quiet. Can you relate to any of this so far? Have you ever ignored or pretended that your life is great when it’s really not…that everything is fine when it’s actually falling apart? Your heart is broken, your dreams are shattered, you feel completely alone.
Boy, I’ve been there. Years ago, a new job in a new city with promise of career advancement turned out to be a total let down. 5 months in, the woman who recruited and hired me had a breakdown in her personal life leaving me in the lurch with no organizational support and the challenge of figuring out how to make it work…all the while doubting that it actually could work. All I felt was angry, frustrated and betrayed. I wanted out…to find a new job…I didn’t want to be sad or grieve what might have been…what I thought was going to be.
For about 6 months I was miserable and I temporarily relinquished the driver’s seat of my bus to Misery. And she was all about inviting others into her experience. During those days you could have heard me saying to another co-worker, “The leader who just left is crazy and the new leader is completely inept. What needs to happen is…” I wanted others to be miserable with me…I was looking for validation and collusion. Does this sound familiar?
Back to Inside Out…some of Riley’s other parts show up in the movie…Anger, Fear and Disgust. The film playfully and brilliantly portrays dialogue and conversational discourse between the parts. All the while, Joy won’t let any of the other parts in the driver’s seat or even come near the driver’s seat. She persistently overrides, undermines, ignores and avoids what the other parts are trying to express, feel and say. She is desperate to protect Riley from feeling anything Joy perceives is negative.
While I’m not a counselor, therapist or pastor, I have an MA in Counseling and a Master of Divinity and many of my friends are mental health professionals. Riley’s experience is common…so was mine. These various parts of us show up as protectors, allowing us to continue putting one foot in front of the other during seasons of stress, chaos, upheaval and trauma.
Eventually, Riley becomes clear that Sadness needs a voice along with the other parts Joy has been trying to keep quiet and under control. Eventually, I discovered that I was definitely angry…but, I was also extremely sad and lonely…in a new town with an unsatisfying job and no clear path out. Riley let Sadness say what she needed to say. I let myself grieve.
Until you walk through the feelings…the full experience…and give voice to the parts longing for you to listen…those fragmented parts will continue to drive the bus. And before you know it you’re in a ghost town, lost in the woods or thirsty in the desert. There is no shortcut, hack or path around sorrow and grief…anger and frustration. There is only a kind, loving and compassionate way through. Riley talked to her parents. I talked to my friends and a therapist. Who can you talk to?
You may feel like you have no one safe to talk to. That’s just not true. If there isn’t anyone in your immediate circle you’re comfortable sharing with, contact me to schedule a complimentary discovery call today. You can email me at kendall@thediscoverywell.com or schedule time directly through my website here.