Christmas is Coming, Part 1: Get Your Armor On
Written by Kendall Bergman
Can you feel it in the air? Christmas is coming, y’all! Are you ready? Have you prepared yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically? Some of us have fond and warm memories of the holiday and Christmas seasons. Yay for us, right?
Others have horrible memories of fights, passive-aggressive comments, heart breaks and life-altering loss. Do you find yourself anywhere on this spectrum? Regardless of where you might fall on this spectrum, you’ll hopefully find something helpful and maybe even comforting here.
For the first third of my life, I was a typical people-pleaser…an “I’m okay if you’re okay” kind of person. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, I identify as a 9, and it wasn’t until I was in my late 30’s before I could tell you the end of myself and the beginning of the person next to me. Textbook enmeshment.
As long as the person I was immediately in relationship with (be that boyfriend, mom, dad, friend, sister, etc.) was happy, then I was happy and felt some sort of connection to that person. Identifying as a 9 on the Enneagram, this is not the least bit surprising. When 9’s operate from a healthy and integrated place, we are peacemakers. When we are more fragmented…well, we become peacekeepers…and avoid conflict at just about any cost. Coming from this fragmented perspective, Christmas gatherings can feel like a minefield.
I remember the first Christmas after I had begun to understand my own motivations (thanks, Enneagram!). Being with extended family and even certain friends felt like a chore at times. This Christmas, I found myself watching my loved ones talking at each other and not with one another. There was a lot of interrupting, assuming and general loud-ness to it all that was overwhelming to me.
As I sat there observing and not interacting, it hit me that these people genuinely love one another, were desperate to be seen and longed to be heard, but they couldn’t sit still or be quiet long enough to see or hear what the other folks were saying…they kept missing each other. And it was so hard to watch. I began to ask a question here and there like “what did you mean for us to hear?” or “is this what I understood you to say?” And then I repeated back to the person what I thought they had said. It was clunky and awkward. But overall, I found asking short and simple questions to be healing. It took me from a defensive and irritable perspective into one of genuine curiosity. It also allowed the other person to feel seen and heard.
If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, I highly recommend you check it out. This personality typing is about your motivation and will require active participation on your part. After reading, learning about and considering each type, you will self-identify as one of 9 types. Enneagram is relevant here, because it can be a wonderful part of your emotional preparation for Christmas. It offers you a new perspective. And rather than becoming defensive when a family member says something snarky or offensive, it can help you activate sincere curiosity about their intention. So your own response becomes much more relational and less combative.
Even as I write this, it seems so obvious…but, it’s often not in practice. We usually enter the holidays with emotional armor that is solid, secure and protective. What if you could use the Enneagram to reframe your understanding of armor as a source of courage, vulnerability and strength? What if your armor could move you more deeply into relationship with your loved ones instead of away from connection?
When you feel like your friends and family are loading you down with the “you should’s” and “you need to’s” and all you want to do is slap away their hands, step back, take a deep breath and see if there is room for a question. It could reveal a crack in their armor that allows room for vulnerability and the opportunity for deeper seeing and knowing to occur.
I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting you step into unsafe situations or compromising territory. I’m seeking to offer an alternative and an approach where it’s possible something new and life-giving could emerge. Checking out the Enneagram could help you navigate the holidays with more freedom and presence of mind.
A couple of reliable resources are a website: The Enneagram Institute (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/) and a book: The Road Back to You by Suzanne Stabile and Ian Morgan Cron. There are loads and loads of other resources to get you started with the Enneagram. Those are the initial two that I’d recommend. Feel free to reach out if you’re interested in a deeper dive though. I’m happy to make additional suggestions.
Stay tuned for my blog next week with additional suggestions for preparing your emotional holiday armor, and be gentle with yourself and others in the meantime!