Setting Boundaries
Written by Kendall Bergman
Have you noticed? The days are shorter, the nights are colder, and the holiday season is in full swing. Christmas decorations adorn homes and businesses, happy inflatable characters sit in front yards and cheery music is streaming wherever you go.
Have you also noticed? Rush hour traffic seems worse, attention spans are decreased and folks are more irritated. Whether you accidentally bump someone with your cart at the grocery store or dare to smile at an anxious Nordstrom customer desperate for that pair of UGG slippers…that is sold out, thank you very much…it feels like a lot of us are on the verge of an angry outburst from one moment to the next.
If you’re the least bit aware of yourself, those around you and your general surroundings, your answer is a resounding “Yes!” You may be asking yourself, “So what? What in the world can I do? How do I navigate these apparent landmines?”
The solution starts with that funny little thing known as setting boundaries. I’m referring to a boundary as a “personal property line” that delineates those things you are responsible for. In short, a boundary helps define who you are and who you’re not.
In the life coaching world, we use a really practical tool called the Wheel of Life with our clients. The Wheel of Life offers clients a simple visual that allows them to consider their lives in parts like, Relationships, Spiritual, Career, Hobbies, Physical, Money, etc. If you Google ‘Wheel of Life,’ loads and loads of models show up. In my role as a coach, I support my clients as they play with the Wheel of Life and determine their current levels of satisfaction in each of the areas on the wheel. The role of the coach is to support the client to improve those areas where change is desired.
Once the client has a clear picture of what they want to work on (via the Wheel of Life), the groundwork has been set for the client to identify their purpose, intention and goals. For instance, if a client notices they are dissatisfied with their spiritual health, we begin the process of uncovering what they ultimately desire for their spiritual lives. We then begin the incremental work of identifying their purpose, intention and goals along the way.
At this point, you’re likely thinking to yourself,”Geez, get to the point already. How in the world is this going to help me set boundaries with my Crazzzyyyy FAMILY during this ridiculously imminent holiday season?”
Here we go. It’s been my experience that when people begin their personal journey of setting boundaries, they feel the need to be really literal and articulate. That is, they start telling those folks they are in relationship with that a boundary is being set in such and such an area and that person is not allowed to cross it. I don’t think this approach works. . It’s off-putting and cheapens the intention. Here are a few practical ideas as you determine how you want to navigate the holidays.
Remember you (like everyone else that’s ever been born) have a certain amount of energy to expend (no less and no more). Make your mind up ahead of time that if certain family members require more of your energy than others, you will spend limited time with those folks.
Own what is yours. Let those around you own what is theirs. And let the chips fall where they may. Keeping everyone happy is NOT your job.
Begin practicing gratitude on a daily basis…there is no one way or right way to do this. You might use an app like OneNotes to track this, or a gratitude journal or a simple mindfulness or prayer practice. Gratitude is always at your fingertips. It’s as banal as that first sip of coffee in the morning, or the coziness of a fire in the fireplace on a cold winter night or the luxury of a comfortable bed to sleep in every night.
These are slight shifts that have the potential for apparently significant transformation. Let’s face it…there are certain relationships many of us are in that aren’t dangerous enough to remove from our lives and not safe enough to be part of our daily lives. Boundaries are one strategy readily available to each one of us to experience more peace, hope and joy this holiday season!
If you are interested in exploring more deeply what boundaries are, how to identify and establish them, I recommend a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s coming from a Christian worldview, but it’s a trailblazing resource in the area of personal boundary setting.