Getting Unstuck
Written by Kendall Bergman
Feeling stuck, even paralyzed, has been a familiar sensation for me. I would venture to guess feeling stuck is a familiar sensation for many. Maybe you have experienced being stuck…or feeling paralyzed when it comes to a task or making a decision. There is always a way out of the stuck-ness, and awareness is the first step. My current understanding of being stuck is related to a tricky little attribute called perfectionism.
Until recently I would have told you that I was not a perfectionist. Thanks to the venerable Brené Brown, this understanding has shifted. I always thought that perfectionism was reserved for over-achievers, uber-prepared, head-of-the-class, C-suite leaders. This is not true.
By nature, I am a procrastinator who has spent a lot of time undervaluing my intellect, contribution and worth. During the Unlocking Us podcast earlier this summer, Brené said “Perfectionism is this very addictive belief system, that if we live perfect, look perfect, unload the dishwasher, keep it perfect, everything’s perfect, that we can avoid or minimize shame, blame, judgment, and criticism. Perfectionism is not about being our best selves, it’s a defense mechanism.” (https://brenebrown.com/transcript/unlocking-us-podcast-transcript-brene-with-ashley-and-barrett-for-the-summer-sister-series-on-the-gifts-of-imperfection-part-1-of-6/).
True to the previous description of perfectionism, throughout the majority of my life I was determined to be good in all of my designated roles…good daughter, good sister, good friend, good employee, good neighbor, good, good, good. At every turn, I was internally working to ensure that those around me were okay. And, quite honestly, as long as they were okay, I was okay. This realization has helped me understand that my procrastination is not the proverbial enemy that is keeping me stuck...the perfectionism, however, is happy for me to remain stuck and immobile.
In a natural progression, perfectionism leads to shame, shame leads to ambivalence and, by definition, ambivalence is a stuck place. In my ambivalence, I want two things at the same time. Or, I want and don’t want the same thing at the same time. It often feels like there is not a choice when we are in an ambivalent place. It’s important to realize that ambivalence itself is a choice, or at least staying in it is, and to understand that choice out of ambivalence is always available to us.
Do you get that? No matter what our circumstances are, no matter how severe, dire or hopeless…we ALWAYS have a choice. The choice may not have the power to immediately change our circumstance, but we do have the ability to choose a shift in perspective. This slight shift can be life-saving.
As years went by, the perceived external forces cheering me on to perfecting the good became less powerful as my internal voice became curious, grew stronger, and began to identify the true and authentic parts of me that this good persona was trying to protect or sustain or soothe.
I am happy to report that over time the stuck energy lingers less and less. When I realize that perfectionism has jumped into the driver’s seat, I have the skills and resources at my fingertips to check in with myself, consider how I am doing, and remember that choosing a way out of, or even through, the stuck place of shame and ambivalence is available.
When I’m meeting with clients, I am in the zone, and there is a knowing and a real sense of meaning. I can become too wrapped up in my idea of what’s best for the client rather than trusting their own internal brilliance. In those moments, I get to choose to become less attached to what I believe is best for them and trust that they know what is best. This is a powerful shift from being stuck in a perspective to opening up the opportunity that many perspectives are possible.
However, when I work on the administrative side of the business, recruiting and retaining new clients, learning a new technology, preparing an annual budget or writing a new blog post, I can feel paralyzed. It’s excruciating and impacts the other areas of my life. Even in these difficult moments, I KNOW that choice is at my fingertips. I am able to step back, gain clarity, focus on what is possible, identify where I can ask for help and proceed out of the stuck-ness into movement and action with confidence that I have all of the resources and tools inside of me to accomplish great and extraordinary (and sometimes quite ordinary) things.
How will you discover and choose your unique brilliance to serve as a roadmap out of the areas in your life where you feel stuck? Feel free to reach out to kendall@thediscoverywell.com if you want to learn more.