Identifying Your Values
Written by Kendall Bergman
Last week I wrote about why values matter and the importance of knowing what your values are. You can read that post here. Also, check out the blog I wrote in January about discovering your purpose.
As you begin thinking about what your values are, you may feel confused, foggy, anxious or like your head is spinning out of control. Perhaps you feel lost…maybe stuck…and wondering where in the world to start.
Some of you find yourselves constantly maneuvering in order to manage-up to a difficult supervisor; navigating a landscape of frequently changing priorities at both work and home; longing to simply know what mountains you are willing to live or die on; or, searching for a place to experience rest.
You can start now…right where you are. One easy way to determine your values is to identify 3-4 things that make you angry, irritated, unsettled or hurt. Write them down…look at them…be curious about them…don’t judge them…just let them be.
Perhaps one of the following examples is helpful.
Do you go into a rage when someone cuts you off in traffic?
Do you quickly lose patience when the person in front of you at the coffee shop can’t decide what they want?
Do you feel completely unseen when a friend or colleague interrupts you mid-sentence to share their own experience or offer unsolicited advice?
Go a little deeper and ask yourself why you are angry, bothered or hurt.
When the person cuts you off in traffic, what is the first thought you have? Do you start telling a story about the other person? Do you feel invisible and assume the other driver is an entitled, self-center so-and-so?
When that person at the coffee shop takes forever to finally decide they want a small Americano, are you completely exasperated? Where do you notice the exasperation in your body? What are the feelings that come up for you?
What about when a friend or colleague interrupt you? What is your automatic response? Do you feel hurt or angry? Do you move toward silence or do you get louder? Why are you bothered by the interruption? What is the message you tell yourself?
You might be surprised to learn that there isn’t a single reason different folks in similar situations become angry, bothered or hurt. You might also be surprised to learn that the things that trigger you may not be a trigger for another. And, those things that trigger the other person may not bother you at all.
Think of those experiences in your life that offend, trigger or hijack you as signposts pointing to a corresponding value. For instance, if you are angry when someone cuts you off in traffic…and that anger is because you believe the other driver is selfish and entitled…think about what value selfish and entitled might be pointing to. Is the value humility…or justice…or equity? Maybe the value is something else entirely.
Here’s my simple recommendation…get curious! Curiosity may be simple in theory, but it’s not easy. Practicing curiosity is a discipline and oftentimes it is central to unlocking the brilliance living inside of you.
Your values are part of that brilliance and are shaped throughout your life by both nature and nurture. Some values you’re born with. Some values are directly informed by your environment…that changes over time. As you think about what’s important to you…what drives and motivates you…that mountain you are willing to die on…stay curious. Try not to judge. And access a few trusted friends or family members along the way.
Uncovering, discovering, recovering those values specific to you requires reflection, effort and time. Be patient. Be curious. Be persistent. You can do this!
Kendall works with clients to identify their core values and has witnessed firsthand the positive impact it has in their lives. Confusion is replaced with clarity. Paralysis is replaced with intentional movement. Overwhelm is replaced with freedom. Reach out today to schedule a complimentary discovery call. Email hello@thediscoverywell.com.