Self-worth and Confidence
Written by Kendall Bergman
For most of my life the approval of and pleasing others was more important to me than my own desires, voice and agency. Many factors played into this, but in general, it was ingrained in me from a young age that girls are supposed to be nice and accommodating. Being aggressive or even assertive would have been outside of my comfort zone. And because neither aggressiveness nor assertiveness are terribly “nice” ways of being, I would have avoided them.
Over the years, I came to realize that being nice and seeking approval of others at the expense of my own desires and convictions was wrapped up in a lack of self-confidence and self-worth. I believed that others knew better and that it was best if I simply followed. All the while, I couldn’t figure out why I was unable to sustain a sense of peace and centeredness.
Well, I can tell you today that when women sacrifice who they are and who they’ve been created to be…peace and centeredness will remain elusive. The world doesn’t need nice women who acquiesce to others. The world needs women with unapologetic confidence and those who intrinsically know their self-worth.
Unfortunately, even in 2022 when women step into the fullness of who they are at their core and into roles of leadership, they are all too often labeled as aggressive. Why is this? Why is it that we expect men to take up room, but when a woman dares to, we are put off?
Studies have been done around the area of aggressiveness vs. assertiveness, specifically related to styles of communication. I’ll be honest…I wonder if studies like this would ever have been considered as necessary if women had stayed out of the boardroom. Men just take up room…white men in particular.
I read an article from Harvard Business Review from 2016 which outlined how unclear feedback (in the workplace) results in women not being promoted to the most senior levels of leadership…and that this is steeped in an unconscious bias. The way in which women communicate is judged in a way that isn’t the same as their male counterparts. If women are straightforward, clear and don’t mince words, the feedback they receive in reviews, etc. ends up pointing to how they need to improve their style of communication and less on specific ways to improve their performance.
Almost 20 years ago, I was living in Seattle and attending seminary. I was studying counseling and theology. In addition, I was learning about intersectionality and the ways in which culture informs how we as human beings form our identities, and label ourselves and others.
Anyhow, I was living in a house with 3 other women. and one night, I came downstairs to get some water. One of my roommates was sitting in the dark (except for the light of the television). She had been crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she told me that she had just finished watching Lara Croft: Tomb Raider…yes, the movie with Angelina Jolie. I could see she was genuinely upset, so I held back a giggle and asked her to tell me more.
She proceeded to tell me that at the end of the movie, there is a race between Lara and some guy to the top of a pyramid for the treasure. And Lara beats the guy. She grabs the treasure and goes on about her business. She doesn’t ask the man for permission. She doesn’t apologize for being faster. She simply takes the treasure because she got there first.
My lovely, enlightened and self-assured roommate looked at me and said she had rewound and watched that scene in the movie about 4-5 times. She was shaken, frustrated, sad and newly aware of a possibility. That apparently unimportant movie had become very important to her in that moment. She saw an example of a woman taking up room and living into who she was created to be…without worrying if she was being perceived as aggressive or assertive. Lara intrinsically knew her self-worth and exuded confidence as a result. Thus, the tears.
I ended up wiping my eyes as well…and have never forgotten that conversation. Living from a place of my own self-worth and confidence has been an evolutionary process…it hasn’t looked like Lara Croft or my roommate or Oprah or even Brené Brown. More and more it looks like me…fully and gloriously and imperfectly me.
I originally planned to write about how women can learn ways to be artfully assertive and effectively communicate, but I don’t think that’s really all that helpful…at least not for me at this moment. I want women…and men, for that matter…to learn who they are at their core and fully live from there. I want women to grow in self-awareness, confidence and worthiness. I want women to take up room. It is my belief that as this occurs, communication that is clear and respectful will be a natural outpouring.
Do you struggle with self-worth and confidence? I hope that by sharing some of my story, you will know that you are not alone. I’m always happy to have a conversation with you to see if coaching might be the right path for self-discovery. Feel free to schedule a free consultation here: https://kendallbergman.as.me/introcall or email kendall@thediscoverywell.com.